


It Should Be Me

by CsoulmateJ (Fantasorie)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-17 07:36:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1379323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fantasorie/pseuds/CsoulmateJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathryn's thoughts as she attends a wedding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Should Be Me

**Author's Note:**

> As you can see from the banner, this story was written for the VAMB fifth anniversary challenge using sentence prompts. I chose, the sky was blue, the air was crisp and clear. This idea just popped into my head when I read that and I decided to go with it. It’s not a CnJ story, more a Kathryn/Gretchen story…sort of. You’ll just have to read and find out. I did change facts a bit. Janeway doesn’t have a sister in this story. I just don’t seem to care much for the sister. I guess I’ve read too many stories where she’s a bitch LOL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sky was blue, the air was crisp and clear, taking a deep breath, she sighed.   Today there would be a wedding, but it wasn't to be her wedding.  Her beloved mother was marrying a man she’d been seeing for the last seven years, years when she’d nearly lost her mind with thoughts that she’d lost her daughter.

Alec had been the man that caught Gretchen when she collapsed at the news that Kathryn and her crew had disappeared and were feared dead.  From that day on, he’d been the one Gretchen had turned to.  She wasn't a weak woman by any means, but the thoughts that she’d lost her only child, proved to be too much for the normal iron will of the widow of the famous Admiral Janeway.

Kathryn was still a bit surprised that Alec was as young as he was.  At first she’d been a bit suspect of the man, sure that he was only showing her mother interest because of the notoriety she still held due in part to who her husband had been, but also because of her own accomplishments as a historian.

Her mother had made several discoveries that led them to realizations that some of their historical facts were way off the mark.  One such fact was the near destruction of earth in the early nineteenth century.  Kathryn always laughed when she thought of what they had been taught about that particular incident, but…

She shook her head.

Her mind was wandering again.

 

~*~

 

Gretchen stared at her daughter, her heart breaking for the pain she knew her beloved Katie was in.

“Katie,” she whispered as she sat down beside her.

“Mama.”  Kathryn whispered the childish name she’d used for her mother then shrugged.

“It’s alright to still call me that, Katie.  It is what I am after all.”  Gretchen smiled at her daughter when she turned blue eyes to look at her.

“It’s childish.  I’m too old to still be calling my mother, Mama.”

“No.  Never too old.”  Gretchen told her with a shake of her head, her hand reaching up to tuck a wayward strand of soft auburn hair behind her ear.  “I called my mother that until the day she died.  My father was, Da, until the day he died.  When you’re close to them, it’s –”  she shrugged, unable to explain.

Giving her mother a watery smile, Kathryn nodded then leaned over and placed her head against her mother’s shoulder.  “Are you really happy, Mama?”

“Very happy, Katie.  I know that you had trouble with the age difference at first, but he really does love me.  He wanted me to make sure you’re really okay with us getting married.”

Turning to place a kiss on the shoulder she was resting on, Kathryn sighed, “He’s proved over and over that it’s real.  I was very impressed with how he did it.  Most men would have gone beyond ridiculous and forced to try and prove their love, but Alec didn't.  He just let me watch the two of you without play acting or exaggeration.  That more than anything proved that he was genuine.”  The tears she’d been fighting all morning finally rolled down her cheeks.

“Oh Katie.”  Gretchen murmured in the same hushed gentle tone she’d used since she’d first held a tiny Kathryn in her arms.

“It hurts, Mama.  I’m sorry.  I really am happy for you.”  Kathryn whispered as she moved to lay her head in her mother’s lap.  She didn't care that she was a grown woman.  This was her mother, the woman that had picked her up and loved her back to life after the deaths of her father and fiancé.  This same woman had also loved her through the horrors that had finally caught up with her after she returned to Earth.

Gretchen caressed a gentle hand over her daughter’s hair.  She’d always had a penchant for laying her head in her mother’s lap when she was hurting, and she supposed she’d passed it on to her Katie.  Ever since Katie was a small child, when she was upset, it wasn’t her beloved father she sought out, it was her mother, specifically her mother’s lap.  She supposed that would never change, no matter how old Katie was, a fact that made Gretchen smile and pray to be allowed to always be there for her daughter.  Her Katie was a strong willed woman, just as she’d always been, but behind that strength there was the need to have one person to always be able to be weak around.

Kathryn listened to her mother’s even breathing, the soothing caress of her hand on her hair, calming her as it always had.  She supposed this would be something the Starfleet counselors would have a field day with.  A grown woman lying in her mother’s lap like a child.

“Don’t, Katie.  Those counselors are idiots,” she growled.  “Well, most of them anyway,” she amended when she received a look from Kathryn.  “There are only one or two that I’d trust.”

“Troi,” she whispered.

“Yes.  She was young, but wise beyond her years when she helped us.  I think being half human helps her more than hinders her as some of the other Betazoid counselors think.”

“She understands us better than they do because she _is_ one of us.”  Kathryn sighed.  “Thank you, Mama.”

“For what, Katie?  For being your mama?  For just sitting here with you?  For loving you?”

Kathryn nodded.  “All those things.”

Gretchen smiled down at her daughter, green eyes meeting blue.  “Never ever thank me for those things, Katie.  You’re my child.  You breathe because I gave you life.  I still remember the first time I felt you move.  It was like a flutter of butterflies in my stomach.  I cried.  Poor Edward.  He came home to find his wife sitting on the sofa weeping.  When I explained to him what had happened, there was a fine sheen in his eyes, although he never admitted it.”

“You waited a long time for me.”  Kathryn whispered, remembering the story of how her mother had miscarried five times before she’d carried Kathryn to term.

“Yes, I did, Katie girl.”  She smiled.  “It seems I’m always waiting a long time for you.”

Kathryn smiled and laughed at that.  “Oh Mama.”  She sighed as she sat up and wrapped her arms around her mother.  “I love you.”

“I love you too, Katie.”

Pulling back, Kathryn smiled at her mother.  “Let’s go get you ready.  I know a very anxious groom that will be extremely upset if his bride doesn’t show up on time.”

“No, Alec won’t be upset.  He knows I’m out here with you.  He’s the one that sent me out here to you.”

Kathryn raised an eyebrow.  “Bucking tradition, Mama?”

“I’m too old for silly tradition, Katie.”

“I’ll be sure to thank him.”  Kathryn told her mother as she stood up and held out a hand to help the older woman up.

“He doesn’t want thanks, Katie.  He was just worried about you.  He knows that this day is hard for you.  He knows that you’re wishing it was you.”

Kathryn shrugged and stared off.  “But that isn’t going to happen, so I’ll just be happy for my mother and be thankful you’re too old to get too carried away with your new groom.  It just isn’t right for a mother to be getting some when the daughter isn’t.”  Her eyes were gleaming with mischief as she watched her mother sputter then laugh.

“Kathryn Janeway, you…”  Gretchen had to catch her breath.  “Just get on inside.  I won’t dignify that with a retort.”

Kathryn tried to look contrite.  “Yes, Mama.”

“Oh brother.”  Gretchen rolled her eyes then smiled and took her daughter’s hand, giving it a squeeze.  “It’s good to hear you laugh and joke, Katie.  You do it so little anymore.”

“I’m trying, Mama.”  Kathryn returned the squeeze.  “Now, let’s go.  I still have to get ready myself.”

“And we all know how _long_ that can take.”

 

~*~

 

Kathryn watched with tear filled eyes as her mother walked down to the gazebo that had been setup by the small lake on the back part of their property.  The small woman was dressed in a simple, but elegant dress in soft green, a color Alec said enhanced the green of his love’s eyes.  Kathryn had to agree with him.  Her mother had always looked beautiful in green because it made her already bright eyes seem to sparkle like emeralds.

Wiping at a tear, she reached out and took the simple bouquet of roses her mother held out to her.  “I love you,” she mouthed with a smile then closed her eyes at the feel of her mother’s hand patting her cheek.

“I love you.”  Gretchen returned the sentiment before turning and taking the hand of her waiting husband to be.

The rest of the ceremony went by in a blur for Kathryn, who barely managed to say her part at the right time.  She loved her mother more than anyone else in her life, but not more than the one person who had been her best friend.  The one person that should be with her now.  But she’d screwed things up, even after her older self had come back and helped them get home earlier.

Chakotay was still with Seven.  They were married and expecting their first child.  He was happier than she’d ever seen him, and she couldn’t be happier for him although her heart had shattered into thousands of tiny pieces the day of their wedding.  They were no longer the close friends they had once been, only friendly enough to be called acquaintances.  She had been invited to their wedding, Seven had wanted her mentor there.  And she had willingly gone, taking her mother along with her.

Yes, she’d been weak enough to take her mama with her like a little girl would, but she hadn’t cared.  She wasn’t about to show up at that wedding alone, even if it was only her mother as her escort.  This time she _was_ alone, but it was just her mother getting married, not the man she had been in love with for nearly seven years.

As she came out of her blurry haze and watched the groom gently cup his new bride’s face before leaning forward to place a tender kiss to her lips, her tears returned and her heart screamed.

_It should be me!_


End file.
